MBs Eulogy

For those of you who missed the Memorial, here is a video we made and I have copied and pasted the Eulogy below.

I feel as if Mom has let go of my hand, and I, like a baby, wobble around and take my first steps without her.   As I adjust to this new chapter, I realize she was never mine, she was never ours, we didn’t have exclusive rights to her. She was an incredible gift from God sent here to be our guide and teacher in this crazy classroom called life. I think she knew this because when she told us she’d decided to go on Hospice and we couldn’t stop crying she said, “hush hush now, you’ve had a mom long enough”   and even though we saw her as our Rock and our home she always knew what  her role in our lives would truly be. She was our guide and mentor and she gave us the tools to live without her.

So instead of telling you how great a mother, daughter , wife or sister she was I’ll tell you what she did that made her great in all aspects of her life. She truly lived with honesty and passion. She worked hard and turned anything she touched into gold because she believed in herself.  She was adored by those around her because she was confidant and strong. Never bragging about all her accomplishments  or trying  to tell people how to be, she had enough confidence in who she was that she didn’t have to do that. She let people come to her and when they shared a problem with her she listened patiently and never jeopardized someone’s trust by telling other people what she’d heard or knew, that just wasn’t her style. She had balls of steal. When she was diagnosed with cancer she dealt with it with such strength and in such a proactive way that I was in awe of her. She was such a caring, giving and loving mother that I never really had a choice in whether I’d drop everything to be with her or not. I had to drop everything because I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I wasn’t by her side because throughout our lives she was constantly on our side.  She was a woman of faith and every obstacle she faced she never faced alone but with God because that’s how strong her faith was. I remember her telling my siblings and I when you are closer to God your heart hurts less. She gave her strongest emotions and most difficult battles to God and taught us to do the same.  She loved everyone in her life with passion especially her husband. I have never met another couple as loving and devoted to one another as much as my parents were. They have taught us all what a relationship should be. Of course the had a great chemistry and spark but 32 years of marriage took work and my Mom always worked hard for her relationship. I remember her always planning little get aways for her and my dad and they always made time for date night they even went dancing once a month. She lived her life with the same passion, devotion and compassion she had for her family. She lived her life with style and grace and even in the hours proceeding her death she made the moment magical. The morning she passed away we knew there were angels all around her we knew this because we literally saw them coming. It was like a scene out of a movie, At midnight our chandelier emitted an explosion of light so great it stopped us in our tracks every hour after it would flicker and I remember telling my mom her angels and siblings who had passed away were coming to get her and I truly feel they were. This last night brought so much comfort to all our hearts because it was in those moments that we knew she wasn’t dying but she was preparing to be born in another place a better place and that eventually someday we will join her and all be together again. There will never be another like her, she was one of a kind and even though we don’t have her with us she will always be in our hearts and on our side. I feel lucky to have such a powerful angel advocating for me in heaven. 

MB has passed away

I will give more details on her passing in the days to come but thank you all for your prayers and support. I will let you know that she passed away peacefully in her sleep Wedn. morning.May 2nd. She is now resting in peace.

Marisol's bitter sweet nuptials

Going to the chapel and we're going to get married;)

My lil sis got married Wednesday. It was a quick ceremony at the courthouse in downtown San Jose. It's Friday and it barely hit me that my little sister is MARRIED. The day was a blur, I woke up too early, barely did my hair and rushed to the courthouse with PB,my sis and her then Fiance. As we arrived, I could see PB was sad. Waiting for us were my sisters husbands parents all paired up and PB was definitely missing his other half. I asked MB if she wanted to go. We had her wheelchair and I suggested that with the wheelchair she would be able to attend. She was too weak and in too much pain to go. Luckily, my sisters good friends accompanied her and every seat in the little chapel was filled. 

I'm sure that  had my sister had the choice, she would have traded all those guests for that one special attendee, MB. When we got home, I showed MB the pics and at the end of the slideshow she started to cry, as PB approached her and leaned his forhead to her nose they both began to sob. I quietly left the room and as I looked over I saw tears streaming down my little brothers face. I told him to also give them some space. I knew that my Mother's tears weren't of joy. They were of sadness. Sadness because she couldn't attend her daughter's special day. It was in that moment that I cursed her cancer and how it has affected all our lives. 

I pray for the day that MB is cured. I pray with such fervor that I can't think of anything else. I did have one bit of good news. My sister has asked me to be her babys Godmother. I can't wait to spoil the crap out of that little baby and teach it some cursewords muahahahahahahaha.

A friends Gift of HOPE...

Trying times bring out the best and worst in people. I have been a bit of a bitch and my real friends know why. Those who have decided to "bow out gracefully" can go fuck themseleves and If I never speak to them again it will be too soon.

A friend of mine sent two great books to the house. One of them was Dodie Olsteen's "Healed of Cancer". This book has been one of the greatest gifts MB and I have received. Its short and sweet and filled with inspirational Psalms. It reinvigorated our faith and has made us believe in miracles again. Osteen's story has taught us how to pray with a whole new fervor. There is  a prayer in there that MB and I have begun to say every single day and the more we say it the more invigorated I see MB.

I ask all my friends and family of faith to join us in this prayer daily,

"O God, our Father, Your Word says that you are very present help in the time of need. I come to You now on behalf of Maria Vargas who is suffering with cancer. Father, I ask You, in the Name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, to touch and heal her.

Distance is no problem for You, God. As I pray, You are there with her, even as I close as the very breath they breathe. So I am asking You to touch her body and heal her.

Now, you foul disease called cancer, I speak to you. Go from Maria Vargas' body in the name of Jesus! I command you, cancerous cells, to wither and die at the roots in the name of Jesus! Devil, I bind your power in this persons life, and I command healing to come to Maria Vargas NOW, in the name of Jesus!

Father, I ask You to replace with new cells those that have been damaged by cancer or any other disease. God, You can do that, because what is impossible with man is possible with You. You are a God who cares, and we believe You will do it just because we have asked. You love us that much.

Father, may strength and wholeness come into Maria Vargas' body this very day. Thank You, Lord, for doing it.

I Thank You, Jesus, that we will hear good reports from Maria Vargas healing because she has held fast to confession and Faith without wavering, because you are faithful who promised. Thank You father in jesus name Amen"


I ask that whoever pray with us pray with passion and conviction that MB WILL be healed. After receiving this book the attitude in our house has changed. We plead MB's case on a daily basis and say this prayer. Everynight before I go to bed I remind God that MB is too young to die, she needs to be healthy to go to Jeannettes big wedding, she needs to be healthy to play with my sisters baby. She needs to live to grow old with PB and keep me on the right track. MB has too much good to do so I remind God why we need her.

Thanks Again to the friends and family who read the blog and aren't constantly asking for updates but instead are sending messages of hope and wonderful cards and books in the mail. May God bless you all...Namaste;)

Tia Alicia's Birthday

One of MB's wounds, she has two, I get to look at this everyday, if your one of the people that likes to judge my need to get away maybe you can see a portion of what I see and understand, because unlike you I can't waltz in and out of this every couple weeks.

Tia Meli, MB and my favorite aunt Alicia 

A couple of days ago, my favorite aunt shared that members in my extended family had judged me for going to TX alone for two weeks. I will never ever regret going away and taking some time for myself. The people that like to judge and make stupid assumptions are just plain ignorant in my eyes. No one, except my immediate family and two aunts will ever know the private hell that we are living in this house. The people that sit outside and judge and make dumb ass comments have never spent more than 24 hours in this house. Do I need to remind them that I've been here since day 1, day and night for over a year and a half watching the slow deterioration of the woman I cherish most on the planet. I hope these people never go through what I've gone through because if they did, I'm sure they wouldn't last a month. Like cowards, they waltz into my house once a week, once a month maybe even once every six months and they feel entitled to an opinion. Of course, no one would ever make these comments to my face. I wish they would say it to my face so I can give them a piece of Ms. Mariela Vargas.

Fortunately, the only people whose opinions I want or even listen to at this moment are living under my roof. My aunts father and siblings are my war buddies. We are on the front lines, we are fighting the good fight. We are rolling with the punches and watching it all unravel.

Today, was my favorite aunts birthday and I tried to make the day as special for her as possible. One of the highlights was when my aunt and I were treating one of MBs bedsores, the sore is located right above her butt and my face was really close to it while I applied the special ointment the way the doctor had told me, as I was doing this MB farted in my face. That made my aunts day! We had a good laugh and then I went out and bought my aunt a card and a birthday cake.

The Chinese believe that when there is a sick or disabled person in the family it is a blessing and that the disabled person's soul has taken one for the team so that the rest of the members of the family can evolve their spirits. Caring for a sick person, especially one you love sooooo much, gives you so many oppurtunities to grow and to evolve. You use pieces of yourself you never knew you had. It's like the pressure and intensity of the situation gives you keys to a secret stash of tools in your soul that you never knew you had. I constantly find myself reciting fifty cents line, "Gods favorites have a hard time".  I truly believe that. At thirty years old I have the strength of character that most could only dream of. I'm not dependent on anyone, I'm fearless, I'm not afraid to be myself and say what I feel. I know who I am and what I can do. Most people go through their entire lives searching for what I have and never find it. MB is giving us all a gift. We can choose to rise to the occasion or not.

Today, after an extremely hard day my Dad yelled at me for not ordering a water filter, that really hurt my feelings because I had no time. Usually, I yell back, I stand my ground and Papa Bear and I bring down the house. We are both Sagittarius Monkeys and have a great deal of passion, especially for fighting. Today, I just stood my ground and walked away, I knew that if I blew it up it would only stress out MB. I cried a little, PB went for a walk and an hour later we were cool and in search of our kitten whom her Mom had hid from us because she was tired of us holding it.

I don't think anyone knows what the meaning of life is. I believe we are here to learn the lessons and then we go somewhere eternal with a bag of tools we fashioned here on earth. What I do know, is that when you are at the edge. When you are about to slap the shit out of everyone you know and jump off a bridge because you just can't take it, that's when Ms. Kitty (our cat) hides Rocky (her kitten) and all of a sudden your on a wild goose chase running around the garage with a flashlight demanding Ms. Kitty tell you where Rocky is!....That's the thing about life, you just have to go with it, never knowing what horrific or magnificent place it will take you. The only thing I can tell you is that wherever it takes you that's where you are meant to be in order to learn, grow, evolve not as a human being but as a spiritual one......Namaste;)

Ms. Kitty where's ROCKY!?

After an hour of searching, we found her in a dark corner of the garage

HERE I AM!...Ms. Kitty hid her!...she would

3rd Stage of Grief....Anger

Lately I've been wanting to tell everyone off. It pisses me off that people are so damn happy. I quit FB because I couldn't stand all the, "I'm having such a great day posts". Everytime I read a happy post  I want to comment, "Go Fuck Yourself!...No one gives a shit!...I hope you step on pooh on the way home!".  I read online that anger is one of the stages of grief. I'm embracing anger, I take to it  well. I'm a natural at anger, I learned from the best. They don't call my dad Grumpy for no reason. I know I shouldn't be so upset, but I am. I even have a mental list of people who piss me off.

At the top of my list is people who like to claim MB as their own. They are like, "Oh I feel like she's my MB too I love her soo much!". My inner response to that is, "Really Bitch really?! cause I don't see you wiping her ass everynight, or sleeping on the floor next to her, I don't see you cleaning her gross ass wounds and bedsores. I don't see you lifting her out of bed everyday because that's what a REAL daughter does!" I swear next time someone tells me they feel like my Mom is their Mom I'm going to slap them in the motherfucking face. You can't claim to be someones daughter and do none of the nitty gritty. MB has TWO daughter's Me and My sis and I sleep on the floor next to her and clean her wounds and my sis wipes her ass so there.

Other people that piss me off are the people that really want to be there for you and keep asking you what they can do. I hate that. I have all this stress and now I have to figure out a job for your dogooding ass!? NO, the people I like best are the ones that are smart enough to see a need and say "hey Can I do this for you?" I Love the people that call and say, "hey can I bring you guys dinner tonight?!. LOVE THEM! "

I also get really annoyed when people are constantly asking how my Mom is doing. Lets make a deal when MB is suddenly cured or suddenly gets really bad I'll make sure to post it on her FB. Until then stop exhausting me with the same damn questions! Also, if I don't want to talk I don't want to talk so stop calling me! FUCK. You know who's hella cool, it's the people that let you know one time that they are there for you and then leave you the fuck alone. I LOVE those people. I swear people don't understand the meaning of the word SPACE and PRIVACY! My days are so hectic I don't even have time to be on the phone so just text and shut up.

Then there are the people that keep asking me to go out and do stuff. These are the people I find especially clueless. Really, I wanna go out and do random ass shit and plaster a fake ass smile on my face while MB whithers away. Again, my response to that is....I'm sure you all know it by now...you guessed it, lets all say it together cause it feels oh sooo goood...... GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Basically at this stage in the game everyone pisses me off except my sister, brother, dad, Mom and two aunts that live here. I'm sure when I am done being angry everything will be back to normal....wait...spoke too soon, nope, I'll be in the depressed isolated stage....actually that makes sense cause I'm sure after I've told all my friends and family to go fuck themselves I'll have no problem finding some alone time;)

Protecting My Cubs...Please don't show up unnanounced

Ever since I began caring for MB I began to feel like the Mama Bear, not just to her, but to my siblings as well. Whenever I write, say or do anything it's not just for myself but for those less vocal around me.

In the two previous blogs I asked that people not only give our family space but that they call before they come. Once a visit was scheduled I asked that people please act as normal as possible. I don't ask these things because I feel a crazy need to control people, I ask these things to protect MB and my family. MB is not the only one worn out by visitors, My siblings and father are as well. I'm not trying to keep MB hostage, I just want her and my immediate family comfortable because it truly makes for a more happy and peaceful home.

There are still some people that feel that they are above these rules because they think, "Oh well I'm her Mom, or brother or sister in law or niece or nephew, I can show up whenever I want." My response to that is ughhh NO no you can't! Yes, MB is special to you but you still have to respect not just her wishes but Our wishes and our immediate family. My sister is pregnant, my dad works a full time job, we want our home to be a place where we can relax. It's frustrating to walk into your own house and see a "visitor" no matter who they are and have to talk to them. Small talk is exhausting! Please put yourself in our shoes for just on second and respect us and our wishes. Also, there are many things  that our immediate family need to discuss in private, logistical things, painful things and we need our privacy now more than ever!

Another excuse I hear a lot is, "well your Mom enjoys my company I can stay as long as I please." Again No! We as her caretakers are exhausted and are not in the mood for long visits. We sleep on the floor next to her to make sure she is ok during the night, we prepare all of her meals, we clean, we cook , we need our space to re-energize as well. I think if you all begin to look at the bigger picture you can understand where my family is coming from. If you still want to see me as an "evil control freak" than I guess that will have to be your problem.

I have blown up on some people and I apologize for that but if you know the rules and you feel like doing whatever you want anyway be prepared to get a mouthful from me because I not only speak for myself, I speak for my sister, dad, brother and everyone else who lives in this house and is exhausted. I would LOVE to thank the people that already text and call and arrange their visits in advance. That simple act is so helpful and makes things easier on MB and the entire family. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal but it is. In a family as big as ours its imperative that people schedule visits!

From now on I ask that EVERYONE text me (408-416-1815)and ask me when a good time to come is. If I don't confirm the visit please don't be surprised if I'm rude when you arrive, tell you off, or not even let you in. That's it, i'm not playing anymore.Some who have known me a long time know of my explosive nature. Those who don't don't be surprised when you see it because I protect my family with the wrath of a Lioness protecting her cubs. MB and my family is just so tired. I hope none of you take this personally this is just how I protect and love my family. That's it. Also, there are many ways to show you care and make your presence known, write a letter, send some flowers, leave a VM you don't have to visit. Here is our address, 157 Venado Wy, SJ CA 95123. I hope this is clear and everyone gets it now.

A decision has been made

I would like to begin by thanking you all for the continued support. We spoke with MB's doctors and the treatment has had a partial effect. The tumors in spine and bone are shrinking but the ones on her liver and lungs continue to grow. The treatment has made MB weak and she would no longer like to continue. She has decided to go on Hospice and stop all treatment.

We ask that you give our family some privacy at this time and please not visit unannounced. Everyone of you has had plenty of time to visit and speak with her and if you haven't come by now then you really weren't that interested in seeing her. That may be harsh but its the truth. Close family and friends are still very much welcome but please call before you come and limit your visits to no more than 15 minutes. MB is very weak and is sometimes too polite to tell people to leave but long visits exhuast her.

My lil warrior has fought a long battle but it's time for us to let her rest. Only myself, father, sister brother, tia alicia and tia meli see what she goes through day to day and its just tooo much for her weak frame. We ask that you join us in  leaving  this to God and pray for a miracle. Again thank you all. Your prayers are still welcome and we will keep you posted on her progress, please read the blog for updates as some days I am too busy to answer my phone and get back to you.

Thanks Again,
Mariela Vargas and family

Dear Friends

I would like to begin by thanking all of you for being so supportive during this difficult time. My very close friends know that I have stopped going out. If you would like to see me during the following months you will have to come to my house if you want to "hang out".

For the time being I don't want to go out to dinner, or tea, or drinking, or dancing, or any party of the sort. During this time, my full attention and energy will be devoted to MB and spending time with my family. My close friends understand this and everyone else can fuck off.

I would also like to tell you to please not ask me how I feel or how I'm doing because those are really stupid and ignorant questions. How the FUCK do you think I'm doing?! MB is whithering away that's how I'm fucking doing so stop asking dumb ass questions.  If I want to talk I'll call you so stop asking me that too. Also if you do come to my house just act normal. I hate those fake ass I'm so sorry looks, I hate long creepy hugs and I hate weird awkward sympathetic glances. If you do any of this I will tell you to Fuck Off and go home.

Sorry for my anger I'm just annoyed.

Go Fuck Yourself....

Is what I feel like telling most people.

The End;)

Accepting the Unacceptable

As I write this, I sit in front of MB watching her sleep and listen to Joel Osteen at the same time. I feel at peace, a welcome change from yesterdays traumatic events. It started off as a normal day prepping for our weekly visit to Turlock. Usually we go to Turlock on Tuesdays but we were going to take water out of her belly and the soonest they could do the procedure was Wedn. Wednesdays PB, BB and my lil sis are all off and home. Tuesday's it's usually just me and MB. Why is this important? Well, this particular week It made all the difference that our appointment was Wedn. and not Tuesday.

After prepping MB, her breakfast and my snacks for the two hour drive I went over to MB like I always do, walked along side her like I always do, Held on to her arm as I always do but today fate had something else in store for us. As I walked MB's fragile bloated frame to the door she fell. It was one of the most horrifying experiences of my life. What made it even more horrifying is that a month prior I had a dream that I rushed MB up some stairs and when she reached the top she collapsed in the exact same way that she collapsed on me yesterday. In my dream, she died and I felt extremely guilty for pushing her. Luckily, she didn't die yesterday but it was definitely a wake up call. As MB fell, I tried to hold on to her as best I could and It softened the blow but she still fell face first in front of our door.

The following minutes were excrutiating. When she fell, PB was in the shower upstairs and BB was sleeping  I couldn't stop screaming, I screamed at the top of my lungs, I no longer recognized the screams that came out of my mouth. I didn't know what to do, MB had lost all mobility and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't even turn her around. I noticed tears drip out of her eyes on the cool cement floor, both of us helpless, both of us exposed. That's when it hit me. There are things beyond our control, no matter how hard I pray, no matter how many treatments we do, no matter how much we change her diet maybe this is it. I realized we can't keep pushing her for our own selfish desires. Maybe it's just no meant to be.  After what seemed like forever, probably only a minute or two, my brother sleepily ran down the stairs without his shirt. As soon as he saw us on the floor he rushed to our aid. PB was still in the shower and couldn't hear the commotion. As BB and I struggled to get MB up we still only managed to sit her up. BB pulled her as I pushed. With the Edema she has bloated to about 195 pounds. Finally, as we sat her up I sent BB to get PB to help us get her the rest of the way up. PB rushed down in his boxers and wife beater and I swear he was gonna have a heart attack. I will never forget the look of anguish on his face. Through tears he screamed at me for trying to get her to the car without him, he couldn't stop screaming as he pulled the love of his life up. BB tried to defend me telling him it wasn't my fault. PB yelled at him and in all the chaos BB ran upstairs and cried, when he finally composed himself he ran back down to help and suffer through more of PB's wrath.

Yesterday's events have forced us to reconsider many of the decisions we've made. We do not regret fighting,never that, we are just at a place in MB's disease where all of us have stopped to think, "Is it still worth it, should we keep encouraging her to do chemo when we see that it leaves her bedridden, her body falling apart piece by piece, at this point is this a life worth living. Is all the suffering, the swelling, the wounds, the bed sores, the mouth sores the sadness worth it?" I still don't know, someday's I think yes and some no. Everytime she gets mouthsores or a wound it's like I get punched in the stomach. I don't know how nurses do it. Whenever I help heal MBs wounds or even give her water to drink I'm forced to look away. I just don't know anymore.

MB and I spoke a great deal yesterday and we've decided to not do anymore chemo pending her next Pet Scan which is scheduled for Next Tuesday. Depending on her results we will decide whether to push forward and reorganize treatment or whether to accept God's Will and put her on Hospice. The next couple of days will be difficult to say the least but whatever happens we will be a couple steps closer to closure.

If you pray, please pray for us, we are still hoping for that miracle, we haven't lost faith. Thank You all for reading and for all of your positive vibes and for joining us on our journey.

Lucy I'm HOME!

Having dinner with the girls from the Burzynski clinic....I  Love these gals!

Boo and his cousin eating crawfish...boo looks so cute in yellow

CRAWFISH

Trying to make boo jealous by kissing a crawfish...didn't work...lol

Being away for two weeks was just what I needed.The pressure of caring for a sick loved one can be overwhelming at times. A year and a half of caring for MB full time had definitely taken its toll. When I left for TX I was beyond exhausted, it wasn't so much a physical exhaustion but an emotional one.

As I boarded my flight, I felt free. Free of sickness, free of disease, free of petty family arguments,  FREE. In four hours i'd arrive at a place with no Cancer, no doctors, no medicine just me. When I arrived in TX I had an old friend pick me up because Taliboo was working until 11pm. I hadn't seen my friend since college because for whatever reason his wife forbade him to see me. I really don't know why and can only conclude that she's insecure because we dated for about two weeks more than ten years ago. Yeah she's crazy. I made sure to remind my friend to tell his wife he was picking me up so that she wouldn't confuse the innocent ride as anything more.

Like most men, my friend didn't listen to me and picked me up without telling his wife. Little did he know that his psychotic wife had been reading his emails and text messages and knew that he and I were in contact even though he'd been grounded from talking to me. About an hour after he dropped me off at my hotel, I receive a call from my friend, or so I thought. It was actually his deranged wife calling me from his phone. When I answered I was my usual cheerful self and tried to be pleasant even though she hated me. She quickly reminded me that I wasn't her friend and that if I came near her husband again she'd kill me. I normally don't take death threats from other women too seriously but this woman is a Marine and I know she has GUNS. When his wife asked what I was doing in TX, I could have easily told her that I was there to see Taliboo but I didn't appreciate being called a Skank for no reason so I decided to Fuck with her a little. I quickly reminded her that I wasn't her friend and that she should ask her "husband" what I was doing in TX. Yeah I'm evil.

I'm a tough girl but the death threat did make me a bit nervous. I quickly remembered that I'd text my friend my hotel address and she probably knew where I was. The next three hours passed very slowly as I waited for Taliboo to rescue me. Once Taliboo arrived I felt safe. 

When I first laid eyes on Taliboo my heart stopped. He was just as handsome if not more so than I remembered. He arrived at the back entrance of the hotel and I saw him through the glass door and couldn't wait to run into his arms. Of course, the back door was already shut up tight for the night so we both ran around the building, him on the outside of the building and I on the inside. When we finally ran into eachother's arms he wanted to start kissing me passionately, I was uncharacteristically shy in front of the concierge and waited until we got to the room. 

In the room, we unleashed three months of  sexually pent up frustration for the next three days and nights in the hours that boo wasn't at work. Saturday morning arrived and the honeymoon was over. It was time for boo and I to get back to reality and go to his house. Unfortunately, he lives with his Mom, so things weren't exactly private there. The next week and a half at Taliboo's house was interesting. We suddenly went from a young passionate couple to an old married one. He'd go to work, I'd stay home with the dog, then I'd make dinner. He'd come home, we'd eat dinner, we cuddled on the couch then we went to bed. There was something very sweet and scary about this routine. I'd never gotten along so well with anyone in my life, especially not a man. It's usually around this time that I freak out and run in the opposite direction. Strangely, I would have my occasional freak outs but boo wouldn't let me leave. Even when it was time for me to leave boo said he'd never gotten along so well with anyone. I was in shock, I was sure my three freak outs and key throwing tantrum had definitely scared him away but it didn't. He actually said he wanted to come see me in California.

Now most of you are probably thinking, "well duh you couldn't leave, you were in a different state and had nowhere to GO. Errrr....WRONG! This wasn't my first Rodeo and i've left plenty of men in more distant places than this. When I was 25 I left a BF in South Korea two days before I was scheduled to leave. I left him for another guy and made do without him. Trust me people, if I want to go I go. I'm fiercely independent and resourceful. doesn't matter where I am.

Again, I leave it to time and fate to decide but the two weeks with boo were definitely life changing. Boo definiteley brought out the best in me and I in him. He also walked me through my worst and helped me see why 99.9 percent of the time there is no need for me to throw a tantrum, or freak out, or lock him out of his own house. Yes people, this is why "I" a relatively attractive 31 year old woman is still single. On the surface, I'm calm charming and easygoing but when people get too close I freak out and pull out all the stops, and by all the stops I mean the temper tantrums, the rage, the uncontrollable jealousy, I like to throw things for added affect. This is why MB nicknamed me her little Volcano.

Who knows if i'll ever see Taliboo again but he definitely taught me a lot about myself and relationships. We didn't end up doing much besides cuddle and eat Crawfish. The weather was horrible, thunder and lightning almost the whole time I was there so I didn't feel safe to drive but overall the trip was great. Boo took me to Lakewood Church, thats where Joel Osteen preaches and that was definitely a bonding experience. I definitely came back calmer and ready to take care of MB full force. My cousin said I looked more relaxed. I know that I am a lot more patient with MB and that's the most important thing. I needed to take care of my needs to better take care of MB. There was a time during the trip where I felt incredibly guilty for leaving but boo hugged me real tight and whispered that everything would be OK as he kissed me. That's when I knew that I was right where I was supposed to be and everything would be there when I got back, just as I left it and that now was the time to just enjoy myself because in a few short days I'd be back to the Cancer and the grind. Now as I help MB with the day to day and adjust to being back I find myself daydreaming about the time with Taliboo and smiling. Thank You Jesus for sending me Taliboo even if it was for just a short while. He's definitely brought the warmth of sunshine during the Winter in my life.


(to all new readers click on Nov 2011  to right of the blog to read about how Taliboo and I met. Its the post titled I danced)

Kaiser Santa Teresa Kills Again

As I spoke with my BFF today, she informed me that one of her friends had an asthma attack and went to Kaiser Santa Teresa to get checked out a few days ago. Today, she is dead. I  have yet to receive the specifics, all I know is that a 27 year old healthy young woman  walked into Kaiser Santa Teresa for an Asthma attack a few days ago and today she is dead. You'd think after all the negative publicity that hospital has received they'd do a better job. I think it's time for another protest.

My prayers go out to this young woman and her familly. I think it's time that we as a people start to pressure our political representatives to take a closer look at these conveyer belts of so called "health care providers" and SHUT THEM DOWN!

It's a miracle!!!!!!!!! so why am I so pissed off?

“Really Jesus?! Really?! she gets to get better but MB doesn’t?!!!...but she eats cheeseburgers ?!?! MB hasn’t tasted a piece of beef in TWO years!!! Guess you ignored my last dream when I was begging you to cure her?!?!!?my  praying all day and night must not be good enough?! .It’s not FAIR!!!” were my very first thoughts when I heard the news that our very good friend Barb was being cured. For those of you who don’t remember, Barb is a stage 4 breast cancer patient whom we met at Dr. Burzynskis in TX. Barb has inflammatory breast cancer (apparently that’s a really, really bad one) that metastasized to her lymphnodes, lung and liver . Last week, she had a petscan after doing Dr. Bs full treatment 3 months and the results were astounding! Her lungs are clearing up, lymph nodes showed significant improvement and overall she’s doing very well. I love Barb and am super happy for her and her family but I feel sad for MB, I’m sure MB is happy for her friend as well ,but I wonder if part of her is thinking, “why not me? Don’t I deserve it? Am I not good enough?

My aunt came to help us again, she was telling us about her daughter, who is pregnant, and how happy they are , she went into full details about how exciting it is to feel her belly and how they’ve bonded on a completely different level now that her oldest will be a mother as well. As I heard her tell these stories I fought back tears. I looked at MB in her fragile state and wondered if we’d ever share a moment like that. I wondered if she’d even meet any grandchildren. I wondered what my aunt did to deserve all this happiness and what MB did to deserve all this suffering. How fucked up is it that?!?!? Instead, of sharing in my favorite aunts joy, I feel like I’m being stabbed in the heart. Instead of sharing Barb’s happiness at her miraculous recovery I feel anger resentment and jealousy. Am I just being human, or have I not evolved past being pissed the fuck off. It’s kind of funny really, people who would come over and bitch about their lives used to piss me off and now people that come over and share their joys piss me off too, well ain’t that a bitch.

I see aunts and uncles go on romantic vacations to celebrate anniversaries and  I get  pissed off on PB’s behalf, here’s a man who’s been more than devoted to MB all of his life. So devoted , he sleeps with pictures of her at  his  bedside and has confessed that if she ever passes he will NEVER re-marry (that’s right, to all you fugly ass voltures circling around him, he only has eyes for MB so step off bitches).

I see my bratty ass cousins go shopping with their mom’s and prepare for college and I get pissed off on Baby Bears behalf, he should be living a carefree 18 year old’s life , I’m sure he wishes MB had more energy for him when in reality she barely has enough energy to keep herself afloat.

No, life is not fair. I know that if MB were to ever be a grandmother she would be the very best and then I see my own grandmother who’s talked crap about every single one of her grandkids and is so manipulative and unbearable that 90% of her grandkids can barely stand her. So tell me Jesus, why does she deserve life old age and MB doesn’t?

So, now what? I’m all pissed off and jealous and annoyed. Well, those aren’t very productive emotions. I had my pity parties, they lasted about five minutes. The thing you have to remember is that it’s ok to have these emotions, they are normal and human, but you can’t let these feelings consume you. If you want to get ahead and move on you have to change the way you think. After further reflection, I’ve decided to be really happy for everyone because I know Jesus is good, even though he’s hella lagging on our miracle, I know that it’s coming in one way or another. I know great things are in store for us, all of us, we just have to keep our head up. Barbs success is our success, it’s proof that the treatment works. It’s no longer just an anecdote.  My aunt’s joy is proof life will go on, there will still be things to smile about and even though we are sad and cry it won’t last forever. It will get better and when it does our “better” won’t just be “better” it will be GREAT!

I just realized something, even though cancer is a bitch, it has given us a gift.MB, PB, myself, lil brother and sister all love each other every second of the day, we hardly ever fight and for the last 6 months our home has been filled with peace. Cancer has taught us that tomorrow isn't a guarantee for anyone, so we all just love the crap out of eachother today!

Be. Be. Be Agressive! (clap clap)

Cancer Advocates need to be agressive, informed and compassionate. When someone  tells you, no I can't do that, you don't sit at home and cry. You put your big girl pants on, you use your big words, you write emails and you express yourself in the clearest most concise way you can. If you are a believer in God, you ask him to have your back, you do what you can do and you let him handle the rest. Like Joel Osteen says, with God everything is under your feet. Enjoy this little tidbit about how being agressive, informed and a woman of faith got me and continues to get me what I want for MB. So let me re-introduce myself, my name is Mariela Vargas and no one FUCKS with my MOM or my FAMILY!

Don't let my big boobs and pouty lips fool you, there is nothing ditzy about me except my laugh!...Have a blessed day everyone!

Winter Goals!

Oh and I didn't start Jan 1st. I started working out everyday and using myfitnesspal.com (its 110% free to join and use!) since Feb. 1st. So in about 3.5 weeks I've lost 5 pds and had about 5 cheat days. Try not to cheat, those cheat days count! Also, whats kept me going to the gym are, Zumba and Turbo Kick, UJam's ok but the people who go to that class kinda annoy me! I call it the UJAM cult cause they all like to wear funky hats and sideways shirts and pretend there on the set for an LL Cool J video!

Am I a Bitch???.....and I LOVE me some Christians!

Oh and I wasn't drunk, it was my first glass. Also, shout out to the Buddhists and all the other religions I forgot!...Oh funny thing about the purse, so when we got to doctor I left MB's purse in car, she was like, "I'm worried about my purse, and I asked, "do you need anything in it?" she quickly replied, "no" I smuggly replied, "well keep worrying about it because I'm NOT getting it!"....lol

The question on everyones mind...."Why did you delete your FB?!?"

There is a reason....

My aunt keeps my family sane and together!

In the last year, I left my job, my own apartment and very independent, trendy fantastic single free spirited life style to move back home and care for MB. Currently, I'm jobless, live with my parents and have no real love life to speak of. It's all been put on hold. On days that I feel sorry for myself I hear the words of my most amazing aunt, "there is a reason for this, God has a why? in mind and it's our job to be patient, help your mom and move forward."

I Love my aunt soooooo much. She has left her family to live with  and help us in our greatest time of need. Before she came back to help, my stress level was at a 12 and PB was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My aunts presence calms us all. She focuses on MB 110% which leaves me more time to manage the household and other tasks without having to worry about waiting on MB hand and foot. This morning PB was bitching about Cancer doctors and I was about to start a heated debate(fight) when my aunt whispered in my ear to just ignore him. She listens to PB and lets him vent without becoming confrontational. I am too close to the situation to here PB's negativity. I'm a fighter, I fight with anyone who disagrees with me regarding MB's chances at survival!

My aunt and I have a lot in common, we are both fiesty with big hearts. We are action oriented. We DO we don't just say. We like to cuss, and when we get out of the house we cuss like sailors. I guess one of of the "why's" of this whole ordeal was that my aunt and I have grown super close, before MB got sick we'd see eachother once a year and now we are super BFF's. One day I hope I can be half as kind and devoted as her. She is my little General and I LOVE HER!

You think you know....but you have no idea

My little warrior, this is her daily outing (our backyard), it's so hard to see her struggle.

The last three years have been crazy to say the least and the last year has been absolutely horrific. Ever since MBs Cancer took hold things have never been the same. Last year, I left my job and apartment in Oakland to move back in with my parents at the age of 29. For someone who hasn't lived at home for more than 6 months in 9 years the transition was difficult. Suddenly, I was sneaking out to see my BF and making up excuses as to why I was out all night, really, really I still get interrogated? I'm 31 geesh! One of the things I miss most is my independence and freedom.

My life's been on hold to care for MB and lately I've been getting really frustrated. She's maintained a sort of stability but she still can't do much for herself and has limited mobility. Up until my aunt came to help, I not only had to maintain a household of 5 (cook,clean,shop,etc) I also had to be MBs full time care-taker (make her lunch, take her to appointments, grab her water, help dress her etc..) This has all become so overwhelming lately. To make matters worse, i'm the one who witnesses Mb's bitter moods, crying fits, moans etc. At least my sis, dad, and bro go to work during the week and get away for a while. I'm supposed to have the weekends off but am usually roped into helping MB in the mornings because no one seems to be able to wake up before 1pm. I know this sounds like i'm complaining, maybe I am, but the stress is real. Last night I dreampt that I was telling a group of people that I wished MB would just die ALREADY!....How fucked up is that?!...My subconcious is EVIL. Thoughts like this scare me, I don't want MB to die but how much longer can I LIVE like this.

Saturday night MB was crying and yelling saying she just wanted to die already, no one was home, just me, usually the way it goes, i'm the lucky one who sees the nitty and the gritty and it teared me up inside. I stayed up until five am begging God for answers. Why all the sadness? Why all the pain? Why am I the one who's career and love life has to be on hold at the age when I should be developing both?!

I don't know why. All I have to do is push through the anxiety, stress, and sadness and have faith that something good, no GREAT will come along.

Until then, in order to maintain my sanity, I've decided to go away for 2 weeks. My little sister was like, "why don't you just see your friends when your in TX with MB". That really annoyed me, she acts like she doesn't know MB in and of herself is a full-time job. When I go to TX with MB it's NOT a vacation. I can only ever get away for two to three hours at a time.

Living with someone with terminal cancer is the most excruciatingly difficult thing I have ever had to go through. One day someone tells you the person you love most is going to die in 6 months, so you do everything apart from rubbing mud on her face and feeding her chilli sandwiches 10 times a day to keep her alive. You spend ridiculous amounts of money, fly to various countries and states, spend endless hours on the internet,phone,fax doing research and for what? The last year my nerves and my families nerves have been on crack, over analyzing every cough, fever, pain. Anytime MB feels a little different your forced to face thoughts of a death that never comes, it only teases us and keeps us, especially me as emotional hostages with no end in sight. If it wasn't for my faith in God I would have probably jumped off a bridge by now. You think you know but you have no idea.....

My Numero Uno Roll Dog

MB loved dressing up her little Lady

MB and I WERE sister's in a past life, I just know it. Our relationship has never been typical. If you've ever been lucky enough to see us interact you'd just laugh. The other day I was asking my friend if she'd ever tried the Diaphragm as a form of Birth Control, MB side busted and yelled, "have you ever tried being celibate!?". She would.

I am eight years older than my siblings and my Parents married young, so PB was out drinking a lot with his buddies. This left  plenty of MB and WMV (wild Mariela Vargas) one on one time. I remember MB dressing me up and curling my hair, I was a Mexican Shirley Temple. She'd take me to Kindergarten all dressed up and then when she'd picked me up she intuitively knew that everyone had given me compliments. My five year old self thought she was psychic. When I had BF in preschool she would let me buy him the coolest water guns there were! My 4 year old BF bought me a box of  100 crayons. I was dissapointed to say the least, I went all out of my way to make MB buy him the BEST Super Squirt and I get CRAYONS....REALLY! Even back then, MB was offering her very best words of wisdom. She'd tell me that it was very nice of him to get me something, and I should thank him for the gesture. Egh, as much as MB tried to mold me into a polite, nice, reserved young lady it failed. I became my wild, free spirited, spontaneous self and she's loved me every step of the way embracing me just as I am and adapting to my personality. When I was younger she'd leave presents for me on my bed just because. I'd walk in my room and there'd be a brand new lunch box with a radio!...yes my lunch box had a radio. Every night she'd come in my room and  read me a book, when I learned to read I'd rip the book out of her hand and tell her she read to SLOW(english was her 2nd language) so I'd read the book to her instead.

Today, I was talking to a friend, I told her that as soon as MB gets better I'm running away to Tuscany for a year. MB heard part of the conversation and when I went to help her put on her pants she began to tear up and said, "Please don't leave me, your the only reason I'm still alive, no one takes care of me like you" . I quickly assured her that I wasn't going anywhere until she was all better. People are always in Shock of how I take care of my Mother. Why is it so shocking? She treated me like a queen my entire life the least I can do is return the favor. She is the strongest most magnificent woman I know. As we drive to doctors appointments she constantly entertains me with her cuteness. I was so busy today I didn't get a chance to eat until after her Lymphedema therapy(almost 5 pm) . As I drove home I mentioned I needed to pull over to get a sandwich or else I'd faint, she quickly responded "Me TOO!" in the cutest little voice I'd ever heard her use. Moments like these make me so happy that she's still alive, still sharing her awesomeness with me.

When I see her struggle out of bed and force herself to walk around to help with her Edema, I am in constant awe of her strength. She NEVER gives up EVER and it is my duty, No, my honor to help her fight as long as I possibly can, its the least I can do. She's doing all the hard work, all I have to do is memorize all her meds, get her to all the right doctors and specialists, deal with insurance companies, yell at my little brother, straighten out my dad, make dinner, do laundry, yell at Pharmacists,Organize protests, organize television interviews, write her blog, drive her around and clean. Sitting with her at her appointment exmplifies my current role in MB's life. The doctor asks MB what type of Cancer she has and MB just looks at me and I answer (she knows what kind of cancer she has, she just loves having me as her secretary, I think it makes her feel hella badass, which she IS!), the doctor catches on quicly and directs all further questions to me. MB just sits back and gets her massage. Anytime I feel overwhelmed and sad I just think of the pain she deals with on a daily basis and I yell at myself for being such a pussy! Yeah I can be a little bitch but I straighten myself out, if not, Ada Silva, My Lil Sis and Yazzy Fresh are there to knock some sense into me.

Woe is me....

This post is for EVERYONE, Including me. I've been a really crappy friend lately. Mostly because I think other people's problems are stupid and I'm not afraid to tell them. The other day my BFF Ada called and told me she had to go to the ER for a migraine, I was like, "oh my god why didn't you tell me?!" She very non-chalantly replied, "well, last time I called you when I was having a bad day you asked me 'ARE YOU DYING' when I said no you asked 'Is anyone in your family dying!' again I said no and you were like 'well then you don't have a problem!, stop bitching and get over it!'." Yup sounds like me. Lately, I have very little tolerance for people and their "problems". Don't get me wrong, I am sympathetic when people are having REAL issues but the day Ada is referring to, she just called me to say she felt "Blah". Please don't call me and tell me your having a crappy day because you feel"blah" or I will slap you in your FACE! Telling me you feel blah is like telling a soldier who was just brutally wounded in battle and had to have his leg amputated that you have a really annoying splinter. Just consider me an emotional mess right now, Im the soldier and your the splinter, so just think before you complain. Acceptable issues you may discuss with me are, sickness,death and marital issues. I've had a couple friends go to jail lately, again NO SYMPATHY, you made your bed, lie in it and start fixing your own damn problems. I'm sure your next thoughts are, "Wow what a BITCH!" Also, before people start going nutz and sending me crazy messages. I actually have about 10 friends who've been arrested in the last year and I'm not singling anyone out. I'm speaking in general terms.

Let me share a story. A year and a half ago, when I found out MB was really really sick, I hated my job, hated my life and bitched about nonconsequential things. After about a month of seriously complaining about my life, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I was arrested for a DUI. The next year was literally hell. Did I mention I caused an accident which led to my arrest which escalated my charges. For the next 6 months, I was going to court every month trying to get my charges reduced. My lisence was suspended for One WHOLE year with no exception because when I was arrested I refused all chemical testing. They forcefully drew my blood because of the accident.

As I was dealing with court, doctors appointments and MB's cancer, I decided I wasn't going to be negative. Afterall, I knew what negativity had garnered me so far. Everytime I entered court, I was like I'm going to get a Wet Reckless, Im going to get a wet reckless. Everytime I drove MB to a doctors appointment without a lisence, I drove the speed limit and secretly prayed no cop would pull me over.

This last year I've FOUGHT HARD to turn every negative into a positive and it's paid off. I got my lisence back in December with full privileges, I got the Wet Reckless, no dui on my record!, I made new friends, I've learned new things, I've developed a stronger sense of self and have helped and continue to help MB through the most difficult stage of her life. Now, when I start to feel sorry for myself, I quickly think of MB and thank god for all my working parts. Even though my life seems to be on pause, I have faith that the right job, the right Man and the right people will enter my life when they are supposed to. I have faith that God has AMAZING things in store for me. Amazing things, travel, money, love, it's all coming my way and when I get it, I will appreciate it soooooo much more. I often think, "wow, all this slaving away cooking for my parents and siblings has made me a pretty awesome cook, my future hubby will be so lucky, a smart, hot wife who can cook!" Acts as small as opening the fridge make me grateful, I look at all our food and say, "Wow WE are blessed!"

When I see MB in pain, I remind myself that the healing process takes time. I beg and plead for a miracle. I keep it real with Jesus, I say, " Jesus, stop fucking with us now, its time you start curing MB, come on now she is too cool and nice to go through this, you've made your point, we get it, now start helping us, please I BEG you, don't make me organize an Occupy Jesus March cause I WILL". At this point, i'm sure Jesus is just laughing at me going, " Girl you so crazy, relax, patience, this shit takes time, If I wanted her I would have taken her already"

This experience has forced me to think a lot about our journey here on earth. I wonder, why is MB sick and my annoying, old ass Grandma, who's lived a more than full life feels great!?!?!?!(yes, I just talked shit about my own grandmother, trust me, if you knew her you wouldn't blame me). I have come up with a theory, here it goes, bare with me. I think, that we all really live in heaven and our time here on earth is like going away to college.We are sent to earth to learn lessons and these lessons are pre-determined before we arrive. That's why bad shit happens to good people and the really evil annoying people live forever. I think that up in heaven, MB, Myself, PB lil sis and lil bro made a deal. MB was like, I am going to teach you all about LOVE, SACRIFICE, FAITH, COMPASSION and PATIENCE. Maybe, just maybe, MB chose to get cancer as part of her "earth life plan" to teach us all how to be better human beings and help our evolution as spirits. Maybe dying is like graduating, no more tests, no more stress, no more all nighters just an eternity of spring break. At this point half of you think I'm probably crazy but if you believe in the eternity of the spirit you know that there is more than this, there is more than work, than school, than petty shit, than sickness. I believe there is a place that we ALL go to where there is NO CANCER, no pain, no hate, no anger, no annoying coworkers, just LOVE. I believe we are all here on earth to learn the lessons, so don't take yourself to seriously, don't take your problems to seriously, because like my favorite Arab always says, "Nothing lasts forever my friend, nothing."

You gotta have faith, faith, faith!

Living with Cancer is like being trapped on a deserted island waiting to be rescued. You can't really plan anything in advance because you don't know where your family will be. Your constantly in a state of emotional Limbo, never knowing when and how you will get rescued, even worse, what if your never rescued and you die waiting? These thoughts become so overwhelming that eventually someone in the group loses it and the rest of the castaways have to tie them to a tree so they don't hurt themselves or others.

Last night my Dad (PB papa bear) lost it, he kept telling me MB was getting worse and we needed to face reality blah blah blah. One negative Nancy in our house is like Cancer, the thoughts spread and the moral drops. In our situation, it is very important that the moral stays high at all times. It's the only way any of us will come out alive.

It's times like these where the power of FAITH kicks in. When the ship is sinking and you manage to make it out alive you have to have FAITH that things will get better. PB and all of us must remember to look past our current situation. Yes, MB is not very mobile, yes her legs are swollen, yes she is stage 4 BUT her chemo meds cause the swelling and when she's done taking them the swelling WILL go away, her cough is gone, Her actual disease seems to be at a stand still. The fact that she is still alive with tumors in her liver, lung, bowel and spine is miraculous to say the least. Her faith, our faith your faith is keeping her alive.

Having Faith is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It's incredibly difficult to look beyond the reality of now. It's hard to believe in something that completely contradicts science. My greatest comfort and motivator is that MB has already beat the odds by staying alive a year after projected. When MB and I were stressed about money in TX, I told her, "Hey, don't worry about the money, it will come, lets just take it a day at a time" She would reply, "But, we have to be realistic, I can't afford to pay for these medicines forever" My response was always, "What about God? your losing your faith, put your religion into practice woman!". She would just laugh and stop complaining. What happened no more than a month later??? A 10,000 dollar check just showed up at our door. See, Faith, God and a rich good Samaritan have kept us going. Moral of the story, I'm always right, and never let yourself be held back by what's "realistic".

When I see her sick and tired, I just remind myself that the healing process takes time. God is big and he is working on our miracle. I know it. I just visualize her protesting at Kaiser. That will be our best revenge, her protesting at the place that tried to kill her!

The wind beneath my wings

Not only is she kind beyond belief, she's also really really HOT!

Everyone's always telling me how proud they are of me. I always feel a little weird when I hear that. I just think that what I do for MB is what any daughter would do for their Mom. Today, I was reading an excerpt from Kris Jenner, Kim Ks mom, from her new book, "How to be a sluttacious superficial whore and raise other sluttacious superficial whores"...lol j/k (relax, I didn't buy the book, it was in people magazine). She said that when she had her facelift Kim slept on the floor of her hospital room all night and never left her side. That automatically reminded me of the time MB was hospitalized when she was hemorraging. I wanted to sleep in the chair next to her all night, I just didn't want to leave. There is something about the bond between a mother and daughter that is sooo special that even  a superficial reality star can't avoid it.

I also feel guilty when people tell me I'm doing a great job. Trust me, I could be better. Somedays, I get so angry and annoyed that I take it out on MB and make her feel bad. At times, I secretly resent her for what we are going through. That doesn't last for long but they are feelings that I have, they are real, they are raw and they are not always pretty.

The true rockstar is my little sister. Her patience astounds me. She works part-time, comes home, helps out around the house and even runs errands for MB when MB gets tired of asking me to do stuff for her. On the weekends, she stays home and takes over MB duties while I go out with my friends to de-stress. My lil sis is an Angel, she really is. Just last night, she heard MB cough at 2am, she woke up and brought her cough syrup and offered to make her tea. She would. My sis is quiet, never asks for or expects recognition, she's not an attention whore like me and because of that sometimes I don't think she gets the credit she deserves. If anyone deserves to be told they are doing a great job its her. I still harbor a lot of anger, frustration and fear that I unfortunately direct towards my family and she teaches me to stay calm and carry on. If it wasn't for her I'd probably already beat the crap out of my little brother and maybe run away from home. She is definitely the calm to my storm and without her none of this would be possible. Love You Jeannette!

This ones for you boo!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RMrltCDCwI&feature=endscreen&NR=1

I'm Numb

Lately, I notice that MB's Cancer affects me less. I find myself comforting others when they try to comfort me. Just the other day, my Grandma was crying and I was completely unaffected, I just patted her back and said, "Yah yah it will be ok, chill, go home, now I have to finish making dinner."

Today, I rubbed lotion on MBs back and saw the toll cancer has taken on her body. She looks like one of those starving kids in Africa. Her arms are skin and bone, her belly is bloated because of the tumors, her skin is thin because of the meds, her hair is gone and her legs are swollen.  When she takes off her shirt I'm shocked but unaffected, I don't cry, I don't feel like crying, I just rub lotion on her back and demand that God start doing something!

Lately MB sits in her chair in silence, I ask her questions and she doesn't respond. She's checked out. Her body is here but her mind is elsewhere and its not good. She's numb too. It's weeks like these that I pray God take her. She prays God take her too. I tell her to hang in there and she says she tries but that its getting harder.

I know we all want her around but it's selfish of us to force her to live like this. At this point all she can do is simple things around the house and thats it. She only goes to doctors appointments and the walk from the car to the office really wears her out.

I pray for a cure with every ounce in my being but if God doesn't have that in mind, than I pray that he relieve her from this pain NOW.

God has his way of changing us......

MB now, no hair, inner beauty shining!

MB 1 year ago, at our Superbowl party

As I sit and talk with MB, the funniest things come out of her mouth. She remembers how she would obsess over her looks, spending up to 3 hours a day getting ready for a party. Now, she says she just wants to feel better and doesn't even care how she looks.

God has a way of changing us without us knowing it. I won't lie, I like looking good, but I no longer obsess over it. After I shower, I take a good look at myself in the mirror and even though what I see isn't perfect, I thank God for what I have. I thank him for all my working parts and promise him that I'll try to be healthier so my jiggly parts don't get too jiggly.

I see girls worry about the right clothes, the right boobs, the right style. Spending hundreds if not thousands of dollars on "stuff" and I laugh. I don't judge. Everyone is entitled to get whatever they need to feel good but if "stuff" makes you feel good than your playing the game of life wrong. You won't be able to take the "stuff" with you when you die.

Yesterday, my friend and I saw a woman at the mall. She had fake boobs, fake blonde hair, a nose job, fake lips and some work done on her face. I looked at my friend and asked him, "What do you think that says about her insides?" he joked, "Their probably fake too!"

Don't get me wrong, taking care of yourself is important, but be the best YOU you can be. I promise, its been my experience that people are drawn to someone who is genuine,real, kind, smart and thoughtful. Big Boobs with a bad attitude will only get you so far, trust me I Know! I used to be a big tittied brat when I lived in LA.

MB's cancer hasn't made me less bratty, it's just made me more thoughtful and kind. I try to be more patient but I'm still working on that. My whole family has changed. Grumpy PB tries not to be so grumpy. When he feels the need to get a little rowdy he goes outside and calms down first. He's never done that before. Usually he just yells until we all leave the room.

Cancer is a bad ass Bitch, but like all bad ass bitches she ends up teaching you something whether you liked it or not. Your physical body may suffer but your spirit will grow and evolve past it. Like MB said last night, "God has entrusted us (my family) with the greatest challenge of all, but through patience, communication and Love we will get through it and make him proud".

Taliboo Update

                                                                     
Everyone wants to know what happened to Taliboo. Well Taliboo and I had a fight the night of my birthday dinner. I may have been drunk, I may have said things I shouldn't have said, but the point is that after we had that fight I haven't heard from him. Egh, you win some you lose some. Men are like busses, a new one comes around every fifteen minutes.

I've been dating in San Jose but most of the guys I meet are blah to say the least. Where did the real men go? I've been talking to this guy, he's a software engineer and he keeps asking me to go on hikes or hang out at his place and we haven't even been on a second date. I'm sorry but this screams Cheap-O and Creep-O. New rule, you can't ask a girl to hang out at your apartment until you've been on AT LEAST 3 dates minimum. Then there's the DJ. The DJ likes to invite me to watch him play on Monday nights. Strrike 1, he invites me to "the studio" to watch him produce, Strike 2, and he has a GF, Strike 3! What part of me screams groupie whore!?!? Then there's the 23 year old, hes good for stress relief and thats about it.

Yazzy Fresh sent my pic to a guy she thought I might hit it off with, he replied and was very interested in going on a date, only problem was he had a girlfriend. I'm so over men. I give up. I'm perfectly happy seeing a 23 year old  once a week and living my life free of the drama and stress that comes from dealing with an actual man. At the end of the day guy's are only good for one thing and when your done with that, its time to send them packing. Think what you will, I don't care, I prefer to be honest than live a lie with a man I can barely stand. I have enough friends and family to go out with and talk to. I'm Good!

Don't get me wrong, if a REAL MAN came my way, I would definitely try to make it work. But those have been few and far between. I know they exist, it's just been a while since I've met one.

Thank YOU

Together we all are stronger!

I spend a lot of time bitching about the people that make our lives miserable, so I'm going to take a time out and send out a big, huge, THANK YOU.

Thank You to all the family, friends and even strangers who take time out of their day to send us an uplifting message, bring us food, give us money, share a book. Today, one of my best friends sent me the most amazing message. She lost her mother when she was 23 and has some amazing insight into what I'm going through, here is a piece of what she wrote that made me cry and feel better all at the same time, from my SexyVbear, SVB for short,

"...my mom won't be around to see who I marry (to approve or not), to help me with my wedding or my first pregnancy or see her grandchildren.  but she'll still be there, she's always a part of me, forever and even if she's not physically there, i know her love is.  i know that no matter who i marry or how many kids i have (or even how i have them) she'll have loved them all because that's the person that she was.

that's one of the greatest gifts ever our mom's have given us is love.  it won't matter when she passes, her love will always live on, whether mom's pass away when you're 23 or when you're 73."

I love having smart friends, best decision I've ever made is surround myself with grounded, smart, mature people with good jobs! SVB also bought me lunch today, score! All kidding aside, having good friends and family is key to getting through rough patches. I've had friends protest with me, go to doctors appointments with me, listen to me cry over the phone. My BFF Ada, always answers when I call or calls back within seconds because she knows I need to cry or vent, and she's one of the few people I feel comfortable being a little bitch with.

My parents have also made some great friends throughout the years. My little brother's Godmother is amazing! She brings us food once a week and today she's like, "Can I write you a check?". My first response to that is always, "HELL YAH!". MB is proud and would like to spend her entire life savings before she continues to take money. She Would. That's why people Love her. Because she's not needy or vulnerable even when she needs to be. I tell my parents not to be proud but their old school.

My dad's friends brought food yesterday and it was AMAZING too. I personally like it when people bring food because then I don't have to cook. Like today, I took MB to her doctor's appointment and wasn't stressed about rushing home and making dinner for the family because it was already done. So Thank You to all of you who make our lives easier with your small and big acts of kindness. We Love and appreciate it!

.

Is this normal?

BFFS for LIFE

Lately, I've been a bit depressing.Sorry, I can't help it, MB has cancer, it's not always a party at our house. The last few nights I've lost sleep because I can hear her coughing, her room is next to mine. She coughs until 1am and it's hard to stay optimistic. Thoughts of her dying float through my mind. I try not to be negative but I see her in more pain and that damn cough won't go away.

I see my cousins, friends and other peers getting married and having kids and my siblings and I are forced to deal with sickness on a daily basis, there's no escaping it. Everytime, someone announces they are pregnant or getting married I'm happy for them but part of me resents it. Why do they get to be so happy? It's weird, you want to be happy too but mostly you wonder will MB be around when I get married? Will she be around when I have kids? Other people's milestones force me to think about MB. I know it's unrealistic for our family and friends to put their lives on hold for us and we wouldn't want them too but it's hard to share in their joy the way you want to when your constantly in unbearable pain. Their joy is like turning on the lights when you've been sitting in darkness, it takes a while for your eyes to adjust and its not completely pleasant.

I wonder if MB wonder's if she'll be around to see her first grandchild, or to see one of her kids get married. Today, she told me she doesn't know how much longer she can go. I'm 30 I should be planning a wedding or a baby shower not thinking about how I would deal with MB's death.

 I constantly have to remind myself that my life isn't so bad. There are poor kids in Africa who's parents were brutally killed in wars. There are people who lose children in horrible accidents. There is someone feeling shitier than me right now but that still doesn't take away the fear and pain I feel in my heart at the thought of losing the person I LOVE MOST on the planet.

Cancierge



How dare Kaiser rob her of a second chance, what did sweet MB ever do to them? All she ever did was pay her CO-PAY of a 1,000.00 a month religiously just so they could slam the door in her face when she really needed care!!!


A typical morning in the Vargas household consists of MB on the phone with one of her favorite cousins laughing and having a grand old time. I, on the other hand, am in my room, on hold, with yet another piece of crap insurance company giving me the runaround. I'm sending emails, faxes picking up scans dropping off scans, my day is consumed by red tape and today I just couldn't take it anymore. I am enveloped in sadness and rage. Kaiser keeps doing nothing for MB. They have wasted a month and a half of our precious time running us around in circles just to continue to say no. I am MB's Cancierge, I make her Cancer experience run as smooothly as possible. I deal with the red tape and the stress so that all she has to focus on is getting better.

Being a Cancierge is very stressful and I'm at the point where I just want to run as fast as I can away from home. Of course I'd never leave MB, but I do feel like I need to get away for fear that my head might explode. Dealing with Kaiser and their doctors is laughable. MB's current oncologist, Dr. Jhatakia is a joke, she's not a doctor, she's a puppet. Kaiser tells her what to say, how to act and what to do or not do. When MB first came back from TX she presented Jhatakia with the treatment plan the Oncologist gave her in Houston. Dr. Jhatakia barely skimmed the plan and said no. After involving the VP of Kaiser in our plight, Jhatakia finally agreed to look at the plan more closely and call the doctors in TX to see why they had given MB Avastin and why they thought it was helpful. WOW, it only took a month and a meeting with lawyers for her to start acting with more common sense.She still rejected the plan of course, but at least this time she pretended to do her job a little more believably. Here is the thing that bugs the crap out of me. Why, why did she dismiss us so easily when we first presented the plan? Who was pulling her strings then? She walked into the room knowing she was going to say no, did she speak to the doctors in Houston back then? NO. Why now all of a sudden?

Jhatakia, you are a disgrace to the medical community. You should lose your medical lisence for being such a quack. I'm embarrased to say you are a fellow Bruin, can't believe UCLA taught such a spineless person like you to practice medicine.Remember that Oath you took, "First do no harm". Well by wasting MB's time you are harming her, by not giving her the chemo she wants and needs, you are harming her, by not being open minded you are harming her. By the grace of God MB is still stable but no thanks to Kaiser or Jhatakia. Doctors in TX are keeping her alive despite your best efforts to kill her. I hope when you read this your feelings are hurt, I hope you cry yourself to sleep. Maybe then you will begin to feel a fraction of the frustration and sadness we have to deal with every single day because of you. MB and I are tired of dealing with you and you can consider this our break up letter. MB will get better no thanks to you or Kaiser. MBs doctor's in TX called today and urged us to start chemo again ASAP, they said MB has a very narrow window of time to get it done before it's too late and her body is to weak to take it. WOW, Jhatakia has purposefuly been wasting our time, she's not retarded, or maybe she is, she must know about this window but never bothered to tell us. Frankly, I'm not surprised.

Dealing with Jhatakia and Kaiser has been a living hell to say the least. I have literally lost sleep because of them and my heart BREAKS everytime I have to tell MB they refuse to give her the treatment she wants. MB is so fucken cute and sweet, how dare they play with her life. how dare they take away an oppurtunity for her to get better. YOU ARE A DISGUSTING organization, your filthy and gross and I hate you for what you are putting my sweet gentle mother through. Kaiser, the true definition of MONSTER!

I know a Kaiser rep is reading this, I want to let you know that it's probably cheaper for you to authorize the treatment MB wants, because if anything ever happens to her I will have a lot of free time on my hands to organize protests and generate more media attention and more negative publicity. I guess you wanna battle WMV and Yazzy Fresh, well thats just what you're going to get. I tried to play nice. Now Its time to exercise my legal right to protest in front of your hospital indefinitely. I'm also thinking of all those reporters who can't wait to do a follow up story on MB's progress, they will all want to know what Kaiser is doing.

For those of you who don't know what we are fighting for. All MB wants is Avastin to be given with her chemo and an injection of XGEVA. She was already given both FDA approved medicines in TX and did well. Avastin works by interfering with the process of angiogenesis by targeting and inhibiting human vascular endothelial growth factor (VEGF).  VEGF is a cytokine (a small protein released by cells that have specific effects on the behavior of cells) which when it interacts with its receptors in the cell leads to new blood vessel formation or angiogenesis. MB's blood tests and caris test showed she had high levels of VEGF because her tumors are getting their own blood supply. Avastin would suppress VEGF in essence start cutting off her tumors blood supply.This information was shared with Jhatakia and she still says NO.Kaiser's reason's for rejecting them are laughable, since MB has already had the drugs with very little side effects and is stage 4 so she really has nothing to lose. Dr. Jhatakia has no problem prescribing hospice(the place they send you to die) but Avastin and XGEVA she worries may be too toxic. You guys are a joke.

I won't apologize for this post or my anger. I watch a weakened MB and it breaks my heart because she fights so hard to stay alive, I fight tirelessly for the woman I love most on this planet just to get nowhere. I have every right to be angry. I am the one dealing with all the suffering and all they have two do is approve 2 simple medications and give us some hope. I guess for them it's easier for my family to be tortured on a daily basis because its not their mom, wife, sister. She's just a patient who is no longer cost effective. If you feel our grief or outrage feel free to share this post on your FB, lets bring awareness to the public about this so-called "non-profit" who not only misdiagnosed my Mother for over a year, letting her disease progress.They also continue to  mentaly torture her and our entire family while she fights their beauracratic system to stay alive.

The Big C

Creme Brulee with a side of tears

                                                   
The only thing cancer patients should ever have to focus on is getting better, thats the only thing. Kaiser called today, they won't approve the chemo treatment MB needs to keep her going. Tomorrow morning we have an "expedited review". It's the lame process Kaiser has to appeal a decision. They will have two of those, waste more time and still say no. They will say there is not enough evidence supporting an FDA approved medication that suppresses angiogenises(angiogenises is the tumors blood supply, this medication cuts off its supply). The medicine is Avastin, google it, it's FDA approved and Kaiser refuses to give it to MB. How do I know Kaiser will continue to reject it? Well, this is the same process that I had to go through when I was fighting for a referral to Stanford for MB to do a clinical trial last year. Maybe when MB is dead they'll approve Avastin.

While Kaiser continues to waste MB's precious time, MB sits at home with a cough that seems to get worse, her mobility is limited due to soreness caused by tumors that continue to grow because no one told them to take a break while a life or death decision was being tossed around slowly by her insurance carrier. In the meantime, I file paperwork, have telephone meetings and run all over town trying to find a solution to MB's problem. Debating with Kaiser on MB's behalf is a full time job. I often wonder what it would be like for MB without me, what do other Cancer patients who want to keep fighting the "system" do when they are weakened from chemo and cancer. I'm getting tired of all this paper pushing bearacracy and I'm HEALTHY, what do the poor sick people do? It enrages me to know other people are going through this right now and they don't have a WMV(wild Mariela Vargas) as their advocate. Do they just die thinking that more could have been done if some paper pusher at Kaiser had seen more than just a number? It's truly sickening!

I wish Irene and all those people who keep denying MB's shot at life would have been here for our New Years Eve dinner. I wish they would have sat at our table. I wish they would have heard MB and PB reminisce about the days when they met. I wish they would have seen my little sister leave the table and cry her eyes out in the bathroom before returning to the table with swollen eyes, trying to pretend everything was ok, before dessert. If they had seen MB and PB embrace in tears as they comforted eachother during the most difficult time of their lives, maybe then, they wouldn't make an already unbearable situation absolutely hellish.  I wish they would see MB through our eyes, as a human being, a Mother, Wife, Sister, Daughter and not a deficit in their end of the year profits. I wish.