“Really Jesus?! Really?! she gets to get better but MB doesn’t?!!!...but she eats cheeseburgers ?!?! MB hasn’t tasted a piece of beef in TWO years!!! Guess you ignored my last dream when I was begging you to cure her?!?!!?my praying all day and night must not be good enough?! .It’s not FAIR!!!” were my very first thoughts when I heard the news that our very good friend Barb was being cured. For those of you who don’t remember, Barb is a stage 4 breast cancer patient whom we met at Dr. Burzynskis in TX. Barb has inflammatory breast cancer (apparently that’s a really, really bad one) that metastasized to her lymphnodes, lung and liver . Last week, she had a petscan after doing Dr. Bs full treatment 3 months and the results were astounding! Her lungs are clearing up, lymph nodes showed significant improvement and overall she’s doing very well. I love Barb and am super happy for her and her family but I feel sad for MB, I’m sure MB is happy for her friend as well ,but I wonder if part of her is thinking, “why not me? Don’t I deserve it? Am I not good enough?
My aunt came to help us again, she was telling us about her daughter, who is pregnant, and how happy they are , she went into full details about how exciting it is to feel her belly and how they’ve bonded on a completely different level now that her oldest will be a mother as well. As I heard her tell these stories I fought back tears. I looked at MB in her fragile state and wondered if we’d ever share a moment like that. I wondered if she’d even meet any grandchildren. I wondered what my aunt did to deserve all this happiness and what MB did to deserve all this suffering. How fucked up is it that?!?!? Instead, of sharing in my favorite aunts joy, I feel like I’m being stabbed in the heart. Instead of sharing Barb’s happiness at her miraculous recovery I feel anger resentment and jealousy. Am I just being human, or have I not evolved past being pissed the fuck off. It’s kind of funny really, people who would come over and bitch about their lives used to piss me off and now people that come over and share their joys piss me off too, well ain’t that a bitch.
I see aunts and uncles go on romantic vacations to celebrate anniversaries and I get pissed off on PB’s behalf, here’s a man who’s been more than devoted to MB all of his life. So devoted , he sleeps with pictures of her at his bedside and has confessed that if she ever passes he will NEVER re-marry (that’s right, to all you fugly ass voltures circling around him, he only has eyes for MB so step off bitches).
I see my bratty ass cousins go shopping with their mom’s and prepare for college and I get pissed off on Baby Bears behalf, he should be living a carefree 18 year old’s life , I’m sure he wishes MB had more energy for him when in reality she barely has enough energy to keep herself afloat.
No, life is not fair. I know that if MB were to ever be a grandmother she would be the very best and then I see my own grandmother who’s talked crap about every single one of her grandkids and is so manipulative and unbearable that 90% of her grandkids can barely stand her. So tell me Jesus, why does she deserve life old age and MB doesn’t?
So, now what? I’m all pissed off and jealous and annoyed. Well, those aren’t very productive emotions. I had my pity parties, they lasted about five minutes. The thing you have to remember is that it’s ok to have these emotions, they are normal and human, but you can’t let these feelings consume you. If you want to get ahead and move on you have to change the way you think. After further reflection, I’ve decided to be really happy for everyone because I know Jesus is good, even though he’s hella lagging on our miracle, I know that it’s coming in one way or another. I know great things are in store for us, all of us, we just have to keep our head up. Barbs success is our success, it’s proof that the treatment works. It’s no longer just an anecdote. My aunt’s joy is proof life will go on, there will still be things to smile about and even though we are sad and cry it won’t last forever. It will get better and when it does our “better” won’t just be “better” it will be GREAT!
I just realized something, even though cancer is a bitch, it has given us a gift.MB, PB, myself, lil brother and sister all love each other every second of the day, we hardly ever fight and for the last 6 months our home has been filled with peace. Cancer has taught us that tomorrow isn't a guarantee for anyone, so we all just love the crap out of eachother today!