Fighting Stage 4 Leiomyosarcoma one day at a time

Hello Everyone,

Thank You for visiting, I initially started this blog to keep family and close friends updated on our journey to Houston Texas, to visit with Dr. Burzynski, a world renowned doctor, who specializes in cancer.

A year and a half ago, MB was diagnosed with stage 4 Uterine Leiomyosarcoma and given no more than a year to live.

MB is only 50, she hasn't seen any of her kids get married or have babies. She still has a thirst for life, three kids and a Husband who absolutely adores her. My sister is 23 and youngest brother only 17. We still need our Mama Bear. If you are, or were, blessed enough to have an MB like mine, who has always loved you unconditionally and supported you, you will know how we feel. Nothing can replace a mother's love. Nothing.

Because MB's cancer is very aggressive, we had no time to waste. The very same day the doctor told us to prepare for hospice, MB and I said, "Fu*k That!", Hospice is a dirty word at our house.We started applying to the Burzynski Clinic as soon as we got home from the doctors appointmet, after 3 days of collecting medical records and sending faxes we were finally accepted.We never took time to think, we just acted. No more than a week and half after we were told to go home and prepare for death, we were on a plane headed to Houston TX in search of life and a second chance. We've left California and our family during Thanksgiving.

Even though the treatment is crazy expensive and we are away from home during the holidays, this is still the best decision we ever made. Sometimes you have to bet big to win big!

We aren't the Kardashians, we are just the Vargas' and we are going through the "realest" hardest battle of our lives...This is our story....If you'd like to start reading from the very beginning click on November, on the lower right hand side of the page and the very first post is the "Adventure Begins"

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Lucy I'm HOME!

Having dinner with the girls from the Burzynski clinic....I  Love these gals!

Boo and his cousin eating looks so cute in yellow


Trying to make boo jealous by kissing a crawfish...didn't

Being away for two weeks was just what I needed.The pressure of caring for a sick loved one can be overwhelming at times. A year and a half of caring for MB full time had definitely taken its toll. When I left for TX I was beyond exhausted, it wasn't so much a physical exhaustion but an emotional one.

As I boarded my flight, I felt free. Free of sickness, free of disease, free of petty family arguments,  FREE. In four hours i'd arrive at a place with no Cancer, no doctors, no medicine just me. When I arrived in TX I had an old friend pick me up because Taliboo was working until 11pm. I hadn't seen my friend since college because for whatever reason his wife forbade him to see me. I really don't know why and can only conclude that she's insecure because we dated for about two weeks more than ten years ago. Yeah she's crazy. I made sure to remind my friend to tell his wife he was picking me up so that she wouldn't confuse the innocent ride as anything more.

Like most men, my friend didn't listen to me and picked me up without telling his wife. Little did he know that his psychotic wife had been reading his emails and text messages and knew that he and I were in contact even though he'd been grounded from talking to me. About an hour after he dropped me off at my hotel, I receive a call from my friend, or so I thought. It was actually his deranged wife calling me from his phone. When I answered I was my usual cheerful self and tried to be pleasant even though she hated me. She quickly reminded me that I wasn't her friend and that if I came near her husband again she'd kill me. I normally don't take death threats from other women too seriously but this woman is a Marine and I know she has GUNS. When his wife asked what I was doing in TX, I could have easily told her that I was there to see Taliboo but I didn't appreciate being called a Skank for no reason so I decided to Fuck with her a little. I quickly reminded her that I wasn't her friend and that she should ask her "husband" what I was doing in TX. Yeah I'm evil.

I'm a tough girl but the death threat did make me a bit nervous. I quickly remembered that I'd text my friend my hotel address and she probably knew where I was. The next three hours passed very slowly as I waited for Taliboo to rescue me. Once Taliboo arrived I felt safe. 

When I first laid eyes on Taliboo my heart stopped. He was just as handsome if not more so than I remembered. He arrived at the back entrance of the hotel and I saw him through the glass door and couldn't wait to run into his arms. Of course, the back door was already shut up tight for the night so we both ran around the building, him on the outside of the building and I on the inside. When we finally ran into eachother's arms he wanted to start kissing me passionately, I was uncharacteristically shy in front of the concierge and waited until we got to the room. 

In the room, we unleashed three months of  sexually pent up frustration for the next three days and nights in the hours that boo wasn't at work. Saturday morning arrived and the honeymoon was over. It was time for boo and I to get back to reality and go to his house. Unfortunately, he lives with his Mom, so things weren't exactly private there. The next week and a half at Taliboo's house was interesting. We suddenly went from a young passionate couple to an old married one. He'd go to work, I'd stay home with the dog, then I'd make dinner. He'd come home, we'd eat dinner, we cuddled on the couch then we went to bed. There was something very sweet and scary about this routine. I'd never gotten along so well with anyone in my life, especially not a man. It's usually around this time that I freak out and run in the opposite direction. Strangely, I would have my occasional freak outs but boo wouldn't let me leave. Even when it was time for me to leave boo said he'd never gotten along so well with anyone. I was in shock, I was sure my three freak outs and key throwing tantrum had definitely scared him away but it didn't. He actually said he wanted to come see me in California.

Now most of you are probably thinking, "well duh you couldn't leave, you were in a different state and had nowhere to GO. Errrr....WRONG! This wasn't my first Rodeo and i've left plenty of men in more distant places than this. When I was 25 I left a BF in South Korea two days before I was scheduled to leave. I left him for another guy and made do without him. Trust me people, if I want to go I go. I'm fiercely independent and resourceful. doesn't matter where I am.

Again, I leave it to time and fate to decide but the two weeks with boo were definitely life changing. Boo definiteley brought out the best in me and I in him. He also walked me through my worst and helped me see why 99.9 percent of the time there is no need for me to throw a tantrum, or freak out, or lock him out of his own house. Yes people, this is why "I" a relatively attractive 31 year old woman is still single. On the surface, I'm calm charming and easygoing but when people get too close I freak out and pull out all the stops, and by all the stops I mean the temper tantrums, the rage, the uncontrollable jealousy, I like to throw things for added affect. This is why MB nicknamed me her little Volcano.

Who knows if i'll ever see Taliboo again but he definitely taught me a lot about myself and relationships. We didn't end up doing much besides cuddle and eat Crawfish. The weather was horrible, thunder and lightning almost the whole time I was there so I didn't feel safe to drive but overall the trip was great. Boo took me to Lakewood Church, thats where Joel Osteen preaches and that was definitely a bonding experience. I definitely came back calmer and ready to take care of MB full force. My cousin said I looked more relaxed. I know that I am a lot more patient with MB and that's the most important thing. I needed to take care of my needs to better take care of MB. There was a time during the trip where I felt incredibly guilty for leaving but boo hugged me real tight and whispered that everything would be OK as he kissed me. That's when I knew that I was right where I was supposed to be and everything would be there when I got back, just as I left it and that now was the time to just enjoy myself because in a few short days I'd be back to the Cancer and the grind. Now as I help MB with the day to day and adjust to being back I find myself daydreaming about the time with Taliboo and smiling. Thank You Jesus for sending me Taliboo even if it was for just a short while. He's definitely brought the warmth of sunshine during the Winter in my life.

(to all new readers click on Nov 2011  to right of the blog to read about how Taliboo and I met. Its the post titled I danced)

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Kaiser Santa Teresa Kills Again

As I spoke with my BFF today, she informed me that one of her friends had an asthma attack and went to Kaiser Santa Teresa to get checked out a few days ago. Today, she is dead. I  have yet to receive the specifics, all I know is that a 27 year old healthy young woman  walked into Kaiser Santa Teresa for an Asthma attack a few days ago and today she is dead. You'd think after all the negative publicity that hospital has received they'd do a better job. I think it's time for another protest.

My prayers go out to this young woman and her familly. I think it's time that we as a people start to pressure our political representatives to take a closer look at these conveyer belts of so called "health care providers" and SHUT THEM DOWN!

Monday, March 5, 2012

It's a miracle!!!!!!!!! so why am I so pissed off?

“Really Jesus?! Really?! she gets to get better but MB doesn’t?!!!...but she eats cheeseburgers ?!?! MB hasn’t tasted a piece of beef in TWO years!!! Guess you ignored my last dream when I was begging you to cure her?!?!!?my  praying all day and night must not be good enough?! .It’s not FAIR!!!” were my very first thoughts when I heard the news that our very good friend Barb was being cured. For those of you who don’t remember, Barb is a stage 4 breast cancer patient whom we met at Dr. Burzynskis in TX. Barb has inflammatory breast cancer (apparently that’s a really, really bad one) that metastasized to her lymphnodes, lung and liver . Last week, she had a petscan after doing Dr. Bs full treatment 3 months and the results were astounding! Her lungs are clearing up, lymph nodes showed significant improvement and overall she’s doing very well. I love Barb and am super happy for her and her family but I feel sad for MB, I’m sure MB is happy for her friend as well ,but I wonder if part of her is thinking, “why not me? Don’t I deserve it? Am I not good enough?

My aunt came to help us again, she was telling us about her daughter, who is pregnant, and how happy they are , she went into full details about how exciting it is to feel her belly and how they’ve bonded on a completely different level now that her oldest will be a mother as well. As I heard her tell these stories I fought back tears. I looked at MB in her fragile state and wondered if we’d ever share a moment like that. I wondered if she’d even meet any grandchildren. I wondered what my aunt did to deserve all this happiness and what MB did to deserve all this suffering. How fucked up is it that?!?!? Instead, of sharing in my favorite aunts joy, I feel like I’m being stabbed in the heart. Instead of sharing Barb’s happiness at her miraculous recovery I feel anger resentment and jealousy. Am I just being human, or have I not evolved past being pissed the fuck off. It’s kind of funny really, people who would come over and bitch about their lives used to piss me off and now people that come over and share their joys piss me off too, well ain’t that a bitch.

I see aunts and uncles go on romantic vacations to celebrate anniversaries and  I get  pissed off on PB’s behalf, here’s a man who’s been more than devoted to MB all of his life. So devoted , he sleeps with pictures of her at  his  bedside and has confessed that if she ever passes he will NEVER re-marry (that’s right, to all you fugly ass voltures circling around him, he only has eyes for MB so step off bitches).

I see my bratty ass cousins go shopping with their mom’s and prepare for college and I get pissed off on Baby Bears behalf, he should be living a carefree 18 year old’s life , I’m sure he wishes MB had more energy for him when in reality she barely has enough energy to keep herself afloat.

No, life is not fair. I know that if MB were to ever be a grandmother she would be the very best and then I see my own grandmother who’s talked crap about every single one of her grandkids and is so manipulative and unbearable that 90% of her grandkids can barely stand her. So tell me Jesus, why does she deserve life old age and MB doesn’t?

So, now what? I’m all pissed off and jealous and annoyed. Well, those aren’t very productive emotions. I had my pity parties, they lasted about five minutes. The thing you have to remember is that it’s ok to have these emotions, they are normal and human, but you can’t let these feelings consume you. If you want to get ahead and move on you have to change the way you think. After further reflection, I’ve decided to be really happy for everyone because I know Jesus is good, even though he’s hella lagging on our miracle, I know that it’s coming in one way or another. I know great things are in store for us, all of us, we just have to keep our head up. Barbs success is our success, it’s proof that the treatment works. It’s no longer just an anecdote.  My aunt’s joy is proof life will go on, there will still be things to smile about and even though we are sad and cry it won’t last forever. It will get better and when it does our “better” won’t just be “better” it will be GREAT!

I just realized something, even though cancer is a bitch, it has given us a gift.MB, PB, myself, lil brother and sister all love each other every second of the day, we hardly ever fight and for the last 6 months our home has been filled with peace. Cancer has taught us that tomorrow isn't a guarantee for anyone, so we all just love the crap out of eachother today!