You gotta have faith, faith, faith!

Living with Cancer is like being trapped on a deserted island waiting to be rescued. You can't really plan anything in advance because you don't know where your family will be. Your constantly in a state of emotional Limbo, never knowing when and how you will get rescued, even worse, what if your never rescued and you die waiting? These thoughts become so overwhelming that eventually someone in the group loses it and the rest of the castaways have to tie them to a tree so they don't hurt themselves or others.

Last night my Dad (PB papa bear) lost it, he kept telling me MB was getting worse and we needed to face reality blah blah blah. One negative Nancy in our house is like Cancer, the thoughts spread and the moral drops. In our situation, it is very important that the moral stays high at all times. It's the only way any of us will come out alive.

It's times like these where the power of FAITH kicks in. When the ship is sinking and you manage to make it out alive you have to have FAITH that things will get better. PB and all of us must remember to look past our current situation. Yes, MB is not very mobile, yes her legs are swollen, yes she is stage 4 BUT her chemo meds cause the swelling and when she's done taking them the swelling WILL go away, her cough is gone, Her actual disease seems to be at a stand still. The fact that she is still alive with tumors in her liver, lung, bowel and spine is miraculous to say the least. Her faith, our faith your faith is keeping her alive.

Having Faith is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It's incredibly difficult to look beyond the reality of now. It's hard to believe in something that completely contradicts science. My greatest comfort and motivator is that MB has already beat the odds by staying alive a year after projected. When MB and I were stressed about money in TX, I told her, "Hey, don't worry about the money, it will come, lets just take it a day at a time" She would reply, "But, we have to be realistic, I can't afford to pay for these medicines forever" My response was always, "What about God? your losing your faith, put your religion into practice woman!". She would just laugh and stop complaining. What happened no more than a month later??? A 10,000 dollar check just showed up at our door. See, Faith, God and a rich good Samaritan have kept us going. Moral of the story, I'm always right, and never let yourself be held back by what's "realistic".

When I see her sick and tired, I just remind myself that the healing process takes time. God is big and he is working on our miracle. I know it. I just visualize her protesting at Kaiser. That will be our best revenge, her protesting at the place that tried to kill her!