|BFFS for LIFE|
I see my cousins, friends and other peers getting married and having kids and my siblings and I are forced to deal with sickness on a daily basis, there's no escaping it. Everytime, someone announces they are pregnant or getting married I'm happy for them but part of me resents it. Why do they get to be so happy? It's weird, you want to be happy too but mostly you wonder will MB be around when I get married? Will she be around when I have kids? Other people's milestones force me to think about MB. I know it's unrealistic for our family and friends to put their lives on hold for us and we wouldn't want them too but it's hard to share in their joy the way you want to when your constantly in unbearable pain. Their joy is like turning on the lights when you've been sitting in darkness, it takes a while for your eyes to adjust and its not completely pleasant.
I wonder if MB wonder's if she'll be around to see her first grandchild, or to see one of her kids get married. Today, she told me she doesn't know how much longer she can go. I'm 30 I should be planning a wedding or a baby shower not thinking about how I would deal with MB's death.
I constantly have to remind myself that my life isn't so bad. There are poor kids in Africa who's parents were brutally killed in wars. There are people who lose children in horrible accidents. There is someone feeling shitier than me right now but that still doesn't take away the fear and pain I feel in my heart at the thought of losing the person I LOVE MOST on the planet.