Fighting Stage 4 Leiomyosarcoma one day at a time

Hello Everyone,

Thank You for visiting, I initially started this blog to keep family and close friends updated on our journey to Houston Texas, to visit with Dr. Burzynski, a world renowned doctor, who specializes in cancer.

A year and a half ago, MB was diagnosed with stage 4 Uterine Leiomyosarcoma and given no more than a year to live.

MB is only 50, she hasn't seen any of her kids get married or have babies. She still has a thirst for life, three kids and a Husband who absolutely adores her. My sister is 23 and youngest brother only 17. We still need our Mama Bear. If you are, or were, blessed enough to have an MB like mine, who has always loved you unconditionally and supported you, you will know how we feel. Nothing can replace a mother's love. Nothing.

Because MB's cancer is very aggressive, we had no time to waste. The very same day the doctor told us to prepare for hospice, MB and I said, "Fu*k That!", Hospice is a dirty word at our house.We started applying to the Burzynski Clinic as soon as we got home from the doctors appointmet, after 3 days of collecting medical records and sending faxes we were finally accepted.We never took time to think, we just acted. No more than a week and half after we were told to go home and prepare for death, we were on a plane headed to Houston TX in search of life and a second chance. We've left California and our family during Thanksgiving.

Even though the treatment is crazy expensive and we are away from home during the holidays, this is still the best decision we ever made. Sometimes you have to bet big to win big!

We aren't the Kardashians, we are just the Vargas' and we are going through the "realest" hardest battle of our lives...This is our story....If you'd like to start reading from the very beginning click on November, on the lower right hand side of the page and the very first post is the "Adventure Begins"

Monday, January 9, 2012

Is this normal?

Lately, I've been a bit depressing.Sorry, I can't help it, MB has cancer, it's not always a party at our house. The last few nights I've lost sleep because I can hear her coughing, her room is next to mine. She coughs until 1am and it's hard to stay optimistic. Thoughts of her dying float through my mind. I try not to be negative but I see her in more pain and that damn cough won't go away.

I see my cousins, friends and other peers getting married and having kids and my siblings and I are forced to deal with sickness on a daily basis, there's no escaping it. Everytime, someone announces they are pregnant or getting married I'm happy for them but part of me resents it. Why do they get to be so happy? It's weird, you want to be happy too but mostly you wonder will MB be around when I get married? Will she be around when I have kids? Other people's milestones force me to think about MB. I know it's unrealistic for our family and friends to put their lives on hold for us and we wouldn't want them too but it's hard to share in their joy the way you want to when your constantly in unbearable pain. Their joy is like turning on the lights when you've been sitting in darkness, it takes a while for your eyes to adjust and its not completely pleasant.

I wonder if MB wonder's if she'll be around to see her first grandchild, or to see one of her kids get married. Today, she told me she doesn't know how much longer she can go. I'm 30 I should be planning a wedding or a baby shower not thinking about how I would deal with MB's death.

 I constantly have to remind myself that my life isn't so bad. There are poor kids in Africa who's parents were brutally killed in wars. There are people who lose children in horrible accidents. There is someone feeling shitier than me right now but that still doesn't take away the fear and pain I feel in my heart at the thought of losing the person I LOVE MOST on the planet.

1 comment:

  1. Cousin we have not messaged in a bit, but I've been keeping up on FB and here. Truth be told I don't even know what to say. You express so well your frustration, anger, sadness and most importantly your love for MB that it makes readers like me feel like we're sitting in your shoes. When my wifes kid brother died 3 years ago in a car accident only 2 weeks after his 21st bday she couldn't understand why this had happened but the one thing she did know was Gods promise. Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Never lose your faith cousin. Big hugs to you all.