Accepting the Unacceptable

As I write this, I sit in front of MB watching her sleep and listen to Joel Osteen at the same time. I feel at peace, a welcome change from yesterdays traumatic events. It started off as a normal day prepping for our weekly visit to Turlock. Usually we go to Turlock on Tuesdays but we were going to take water out of her belly and the soonest they could do the procedure was Wedn. Wednesdays PB, BB and my lil sis are all off and home. Tuesday's it's usually just me and MB. Why is this important? Well, this particular week It made all the difference that our appointment was Wedn. and not Tuesday.

After prepping MB, her breakfast and my snacks for the two hour drive I went over to MB like I always do, walked along side her like I always do, Held on to her arm as I always do but today fate had something else in store for us. As I walked MB's fragile bloated frame to the door she fell. It was one of the most horrifying experiences of my life. What made it even more horrifying is that a month prior I had a dream that I rushed MB up some stairs and when she reached the top she collapsed in the exact same way that she collapsed on me yesterday. In my dream, she died and I felt extremely guilty for pushing her. Luckily, she didn't die yesterday but it was definitely a wake up call. As MB fell, I tried to hold on to her as best I could and It softened the blow but she still fell face first in front of our door.

The following minutes were excrutiating. When she fell, PB was in the shower upstairs and BB was sleeping  I couldn't stop screaming, I screamed at the top of my lungs, I no longer recognized the screams that came out of my mouth. I didn't know what to do, MB had lost all mobility and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't even turn her around. I noticed tears drip out of her eyes on the cool cement floor, both of us helpless, both of us exposed. That's when it hit me. There are things beyond our control, no matter how hard I pray, no matter how many treatments we do, no matter how much we change her diet maybe this is it. I realized we can't keep pushing her for our own selfish desires. Maybe it's just no meant to be.  After what seemed like forever, probably only a minute or two, my brother sleepily ran down the stairs without his shirt. As soon as he saw us on the floor he rushed to our aid. PB was still in the shower and couldn't hear the commotion. As BB and I struggled to get MB up we still only managed to sit her up. BB pulled her as I pushed. With the Edema she has bloated to about 195 pounds. Finally, as we sat her up I sent BB to get PB to help us get her the rest of the way up. PB rushed down in his boxers and wife beater and I swear he was gonna have a heart attack. I will never forget the look of anguish on his face. Through tears he screamed at me for trying to get her to the car without him, he couldn't stop screaming as he pulled the love of his life up. BB tried to defend me telling him it wasn't my fault. PB yelled at him and in all the chaos BB ran upstairs and cried, when he finally composed himself he ran back down to help and suffer through more of PB's wrath.

Yesterday's events have forced us to reconsider many of the decisions we've made. We do not regret fighting,never that, we are just at a place in MB's disease where all of us have stopped to think, "Is it still worth it, should we keep encouraging her to do chemo when we see that it leaves her bedridden, her body falling apart piece by piece, at this point is this a life worth living. Is all the suffering, the swelling, the wounds, the bed sores, the mouth sores the sadness worth it?" I still don't know, someday's I think yes and some no. Everytime she gets mouthsores or a wound it's like I get punched in the stomach. I don't know how nurses do it. Whenever I help heal MBs wounds or even give her water to drink I'm forced to look away. I just don't know anymore.

MB and I spoke a great deal yesterday and we've decided to not do anymore chemo pending her next Pet Scan which is scheduled for Next Tuesday. Depending on her results we will decide whether to push forward and reorganize treatment or whether to accept God's Will and put her on Hospice. The next couple of days will be difficult to say the least but whatever happens we will be a couple steps closer to closure.

If you pray, please pray for us, we are still hoping for that miracle, we haven't lost faith. Thank You all for reading and for all of your positive vibes and for joining us on our journey.