|My little warrior, this is her daily outing (our backyard), it's so hard to see her struggle.|
The last three years have been crazy to say the least and the last year has been absolutely horrific. Ever since MBs Cancer took hold things have never been the same. Last year, I left my job and apartment in Oakland to move back in with my parents at the age of 29. For someone who hasn't lived at home for more than 6 months in 9 years the transition was difficult. Suddenly, I was sneaking out to see my BF and making up excuses as to why I was out all night, really, really I still get interrogated? I'm 31 geesh! One of the things I miss most is my independence and freedom.
My life's been on hold to care for MB and lately I've been getting really frustrated. She's maintained a sort of stability but she still can't do much for herself and has limited mobility. Up until my aunt came to help, I not only had to maintain a household of 5 (cook,clean,shop,etc) I also had to be MBs full time care-taker (make her lunch, take her to appointments, grab her water, help dress her etc..) This has all become so overwhelming lately. To make matters worse, i'm the one who witnesses Mb's bitter moods, crying fits, moans etc. At least my sis, dad, and bro go to work during the week and get away for a while. I'm supposed to have the weekends off but am usually roped into helping MB in the mornings because no one seems to be able to wake up before 1pm. I know this sounds like i'm complaining, maybe I am, but the stress is real. Last night I dreampt that I was telling a group of people that I wished MB would just die ALREADY!....How fucked up is that?!...My subconcious is EVIL. Thoughts like this scare me, I don't want MB to die but how much longer can I LIVE like this.
Saturday night MB was crying and yelling saying she just wanted to die already, no one was home, just me, usually the way it goes, i'm the lucky one who sees the nitty and the gritty and it teared me up inside. I stayed up until five am begging God for answers. Why all the sadness? Why all the pain? Why am I the one who's career and love life has to be on hold at the age when I should be developing both?!
I don't know why. All I have to do is push through the anxiety, stress, and sadness and have faith that something good, no GREAT will come along.
Until then, in order to maintain my sanity, I've decided to go away for 2 weeks. My little sister was like, "why don't you just see your friends when your in TX with MB". That really annoyed me, she acts like she doesn't know MB in and of herself is a full-time job. When I go to TX with MB it's NOT a vacation. I can only ever get away for two to three hours at a time.
Living with someone with terminal cancer is the most excruciatingly difficult thing I have ever had to go through. One day someone tells you the person you love most is going to die in 6 months, so you do everything apart from rubbing mud on her face and feeding her chilli sandwiches 10 times a day to keep her alive. You spend ridiculous amounts of money, fly to various countries and states, spend endless hours on the internet,phone,fax doing research and for what? The last year my nerves and my families nerves have been on crack, over analyzing every cough, fever, pain. Anytime MB feels a little different your forced to face thoughts of a death that never comes, it only teases us and keeps us, especially me as emotional hostages with no end in sight. If it wasn't for my faith in God I would have probably jumped off a bridge by now. You think you know but you have no idea.....